i always wonder, why do we wait til january 1 to try to make a fresh start? shouldn't each day be that way? oh well.. i'm gonna jump on the resolution train and see how far it goes.
-i want to be a happier person. i'm so negative all the time, i've taught myself (from experience) to expect the worst from everyone... i need to learn to 'brush it off'
-i want to be a better mom. i've learned NOT to pray for patience.. not gonna go there again... but, i do want to be... lighter. does that make sense?
-i want to learn to speak spanish this year. i know, right??
-of course, old faithful, lose 15 pounds...
-i want to start reading my Bible on a regular basis.. to listen more for God's whisper.. find a church... that's bible based...
-i want to read more non-fiction, and actually learn something..
-i've been praying for spiritual and scriptural discernment. that would be neat...
-better wife, all-around... speaks for itself...
-i want to LIVE my life... not just get watch it go by...
-last, but not least... i'm banning myself from ordering online.. too much... well, every once in a while is ok...
just sayin...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
it just didn't fit
so. i've always been the jeans, tank tops, and flip flop kinda gal. it takes me less than 30 minutes to shower, put on some eye makeup and lip gloss, and comb out my hair... i snort when i laugh.. i'm not graceful at all... i talk too loud when i'm excited... i laugh too loud at stupid things... ok.. you get the picture.
so one day, after seeing some of my friends and watching some hip chicks on tv, i decided to give girly girl a try. i got big hoopie earings... sassy skirts... hot mama shirts... chunky purses... hooker heels... actually "fixed" my hair... a crapload of makeup... but it just didn't fit. i really did want it to.. it looked so cool on everyone else... but it wasn't me.
so i exchanged the big earrings for my usual small hoops... switched back to my black canvas cross body purse.. jeans.. flip flops or skater shoes... let my hair decide what to do on its on.. and it. felt. good.
i still run into those girly girl types... i feel so out of place.. and think, i'm so boring.. so blah! but then... i remember.. it just didn't fit.
so one day, after seeing some of my friends and watching some hip chicks on tv, i decided to give girly girl a try. i got big hoopie earings... sassy skirts... hot mama shirts... chunky purses... hooker heels... actually "fixed" my hair... a crapload of makeup... but it just didn't fit. i really did want it to.. it looked so cool on everyone else... but it wasn't me.
so i exchanged the big earrings for my usual small hoops... switched back to my black canvas cross body purse.. jeans.. flip flops or skater shoes... let my hair decide what to do on its on.. and it. felt. good.
i still run into those girly girl types... i feel so out of place.. and think, i'm so boring.. so blah! but then... i remember.. it just didn't fit.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Priestess J-Lo
i've decided to put "priestess" in front of my name. i mean, if a pastor can call himself "bishop", then why not??
where did we get slain in the spirit from?
why are bibles so expensive?
why do we believe we won't be here for the end time tribulations?
if the great white throne judgement is for nonbelievers only, why does it end saying "and those names not found written in the book of life will be cast into hell"?
why "once saved, always saved"?
if our ticket into heaven is through believing in Christ, then why doesn't the church believe that a homosexual who believes in Jesus will go to heaven?
were the jews right about paradise/hades?
these are just some of the thoughts in my head.
where did we get slain in the spirit from?
why are bibles so expensive?
why do we believe we won't be here for the end time tribulations?
if the great white throne judgement is for nonbelievers only, why does it end saying "and those names not found written in the book of life will be cast into hell"?
why "once saved, always saved"?
if our ticket into heaven is through believing in Christ, then why doesn't the church believe that a homosexual who believes in Jesus will go to heaven?
were the jews right about paradise/hades?
these are just some of the thoughts in my head.
Monday, December 14, 2009
good will hunting
no, this isn't a movie review. i had "and on earth, peace, good will toward men" and my brain did what it always does. it drifted.
so, in the true christian home, we are focused on Baby Jesus around this time of year. i like to think about the few weeks prior to the manger scene.. i'm gonna go allllll the way back to when mary was chillaxin, probably busy writing notes to Joseph "do you want to be my boyfriend? check the box: yes no maybe so". probably daydreaming about her crush, and this bright glowy figure shows up and says "hey girl! whooa, don't freak out! i got some good news for you. IT'S A BOY!!!"
holy cow.. i remember when i was younger and i thought kissing a boy would knock me up. poor mary! but i really love her response. "she pondered this in her heart". i'm sure she kinda freaked out. she walked to her cousins house, who was also miraculously pregnant... i'm picturing the scene. mary was young and pregnant, and Elizabeth was ooooold and pregnant. they probably compared notes, neither really knowing what giving birth was gonna be like.
then, that stinking decree making them go back to their birthhome. imagine being "great with child", riding a donkey from one city to another. i remember being 9 months pregnant, and every bump on the road was painful. i can't imagine a donkey ride that far along!!
joseph was probably doing some pondering, too. i'm sure some of the people around them were talking about the pregnancy. making comments under their breath about joseph not being the "father". it had to be tough for them.
so they go from "inn to inn" looking for a place. rejection from all of those people. yep, kinda fitting... to reject baby Jesus, and later all those people rejected Him again.
its just a thought...
so, in the true christian home, we are focused on Baby Jesus around this time of year. i like to think about the few weeks prior to the manger scene.. i'm gonna go allllll the way back to when mary was chillaxin, probably busy writing notes to Joseph "do you want to be my boyfriend? check the box: yes no maybe so". probably daydreaming about her crush, and this bright glowy figure shows up and says "hey girl! whooa, don't freak out! i got some good news for you. IT'S A BOY!!!"
holy cow.. i remember when i was younger and i thought kissing a boy would knock me up. poor mary! but i really love her response. "she pondered this in her heart". i'm sure she kinda freaked out. she walked to her cousins house, who was also miraculously pregnant... i'm picturing the scene. mary was young and pregnant, and Elizabeth was ooooold and pregnant. they probably compared notes, neither really knowing what giving birth was gonna be like.
then, that stinking decree making them go back to their birthhome. imagine being "great with child", riding a donkey from one city to another. i remember being 9 months pregnant, and every bump on the road was painful. i can't imagine a donkey ride that far along!!
joseph was probably doing some pondering, too. i'm sure some of the people around them were talking about the pregnancy. making comments under their breath about joseph not being the "father". it had to be tough for them.
so they go from "inn to inn" looking for a place. rejection from all of those people. yep, kinda fitting... to reject baby Jesus, and later all those people rejected Him again.
its just a thought...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
ya down with o.c.d.? yeah you know me!
so i started noticing recently (and not so recently) all of my little "quirks". yeah, i got em. big surprise, yeah right.. it started when i went to the store to buy some candles for christmas. i grabbed one. and that didn't seem right. so i grabbed another candle. and it really, really bothered me. for some reason, i don't like the number 2. no joke. so i ended up buying 3. that made me start thinking back. i've ALWAYS avoided even numbers, as long as i could get away with it. 3's and 5's are good. 7 of course, is one of the best. when medicine calls for taking 2 pills... that sucks.
i'm a checker, too. but i've always known that one. i check locks. once doesn't cut it. and of course, 2 is out. so it takes 3 or 5 times for me to be ok. same with checking the stove. and that's why i stopped using an alarm clock. i would stand there FOREVER checking the alarm time i set it for. and yes, even when i'm comfy in bed... snuggled up.. warm, once the thought hits, even though i know, for example, that i locked the door, i can picture myself doing it.. i still have to get up and check it several times...
when i was driving my old car, (a standard) i started "tapping". i tapped the stick constantly to make sure it was in the right gear. i would drive myself nuts. luckily, i now drive an automatic. :) now, i just tap the auto lock button.
and last, but definitely not least... (this goes with being a "checker").. i will read this about 5 to 7 times to make sure it's ok. not even checking for spelling. i just have to read it over and over until i feel good enough to click "publish". i do that with text messages, emails, facebook comments... my status takes FOREVER to update. and don't get me started on math problems. i don't like to double check, i gotta triple check.
so there. a little insight into my brain. i'm sorry if it wasn't pleasant.
so, i'm gonna go scroll up and begin my "checking"... so i can finally, finally, click "post".
i'm a checker, too. but i've always known that one. i check locks. once doesn't cut it. and of course, 2 is out. so it takes 3 or 5 times for me to be ok. same with checking the stove. and that's why i stopped using an alarm clock. i would stand there FOREVER checking the alarm time i set it for. and yes, even when i'm comfy in bed... snuggled up.. warm, once the thought hits, even though i know, for example, that i locked the door, i can picture myself doing it.. i still have to get up and check it several times...
when i was driving my old car, (a standard) i started "tapping". i tapped the stick constantly to make sure it was in the right gear. i would drive myself nuts. luckily, i now drive an automatic. :) now, i just tap the auto lock button.
and last, but definitely not least... (this goes with being a "checker").. i will read this about 5 to 7 times to make sure it's ok. not even checking for spelling. i just have to read it over and over until i feel good enough to click "publish". i do that with text messages, emails, facebook comments... my status takes FOREVER to update. and don't get me started on math problems. i don't like to double check, i gotta triple check.
so there. a little insight into my brain. i'm sorry if it wasn't pleasant.
so, i'm gonna go scroll up and begin my "checking"... so i can finally, finally, click "post".
Monday, November 23, 2009
j-j-j-j-jaded...
aerosmith had it right...
i don't think that a church leader purposely sets out to lead his "flock" off a cliff... if i did, then i would never trust a preacher again. so, let's pretend that they don't start of with cruel intent. granted, "all have sinned and fall short..".. pastors are human, too, i get that. but: if you can't stand the heat, get out of the pulpit. scripture says that church leaders have a higher standard (for lack of better words) to live up to.. so what is going on?? let's assume they start off humble.. with good intentions... what is it that makes them slip up? sin? power? denial? how do they get from here to there? from preaching against sin to sleeping with prostitutes? to having affairs with young boys in the youth group? pornography? stealing from the government?
and what does that say to the world? no wonder. tell someone you are a christian. big whoop, they say. i know atheists who treat others better than some of these men.. no wonder people aren't interested in becoming a christian anymore. would you??
and what about the church members left behind? do they really just find another church home? how many times do you think it will take to get them to give up completely? to become jaded like me? and why would i want to bring my kids up in the same mess? but then, i will get judged for not keeping a pew warm on sunday mornings. how do you teach a child the love of Christ? what did He say to do??? help the orphans.. the widows... feed the hungry.. help the needy. we've lost focus.. it's not about how many members we have.. it's not about who is tithing and who isn't.. pointing them out.. sermons are no longer about the Good News.. it's name it and claim it! speak it into existence! debt free in 2003! seriously?? how to get more cars and houses than we really need... where you treasure is, there your heart will be also, if i recall correctly...
so.. where do we go from here?
i don't think that a church leader purposely sets out to lead his "flock" off a cliff... if i did, then i would never trust a preacher again. so, let's pretend that they don't start of with cruel intent. granted, "all have sinned and fall short..".. pastors are human, too, i get that. but: if you can't stand the heat, get out of the pulpit. scripture says that church leaders have a higher standard (for lack of better words) to live up to.. so what is going on?? let's assume they start off humble.. with good intentions... what is it that makes them slip up? sin? power? denial? how do they get from here to there? from preaching against sin to sleeping with prostitutes? to having affairs with young boys in the youth group? pornography? stealing from the government?
and what does that say to the world? no wonder. tell someone you are a christian. big whoop, they say. i know atheists who treat others better than some of these men.. no wonder people aren't interested in becoming a christian anymore. would you??
and what about the church members left behind? do they really just find another church home? how many times do you think it will take to get them to give up completely? to become jaded like me? and why would i want to bring my kids up in the same mess? but then, i will get judged for not keeping a pew warm on sunday mornings. how do you teach a child the love of Christ? what did He say to do??? help the orphans.. the widows... feed the hungry.. help the needy. we've lost focus.. it's not about how many members we have.. it's not about who is tithing and who isn't.. pointing them out.. sermons are no longer about the Good News.. it's name it and claim it! speak it into existence! debt free in 2003! seriously?? how to get more cars and houses than we really need... where you treasure is, there your heart will be also, if i recall correctly...
so.. where do we go from here?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Ephesians 4:8-10
"Therefore it says, 'WHEN HE ASCENDED ON HIGH, HE LED CAPTIVE A HOST OF CAPTIVES, AND HE GAVE GIFTS TO MEN.' (Now this expression, 'He ascended,' what does it mean except that He also had descended into the lower parts of the earth? He who descended is Himself also He who ascended far above all the heavens, so that He might fill all things.)" NASB
this is just one of many verses that i am struggling with the meaning. when i ask a preacher, deacon, the internet, etc. what it means, it says that when Christ died on the cross, he went down to "paradise" and emptied it and brought them to heaven with Him.
that's the jist of it...
the gifts are obviously the gifts of the spirit. but i don't understand how we get from point a to point b.
in order for Christ to fulfil the law, He had to die. Which would be the descended. to the grave. after a few "sightings" he ascended... He paved the way into heaven, but i don't get that He brought the dead saints with Him. but that's just me...
so it't tough to shed what we have been told that scripture means.. it causes a bias when we read.. i want to be able to read the scripture with a fresh mind. that's what i'm praying for...
this is just one of many verses that i am struggling with the meaning. when i ask a preacher, deacon, the internet, etc. what it means, it says that when Christ died on the cross, he went down to "paradise" and emptied it and brought them to heaven with Him.
that's the jist of it...
the gifts are obviously the gifts of the spirit. but i don't understand how we get from point a to point b.
in order for Christ to fulfil the law, He had to die. Which would be the descended. to the grave. after a few "sightings" he ascended... He paved the way into heaven, but i don't get that He brought the dead saints with Him. but that's just me...
so it't tough to shed what we have been told that scripture means.. it causes a bias when we read.. i want to be able to read the scripture with a fresh mind. that's what i'm praying for...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
what defines me
i often get the feeling of being lost. not literally, where am i.. but who am i? right now, i am mom. i am diapers. i am baths. i am laundry. i am dirty dishes. i am a nurse, a cook, a maid...
day in, day out.
i am scott's wife.
have i ever been jennifer????
i am trying to go back as far as i can in my memories. in elementary school: i am scared of not being accepted.. of failing.. i am fat.. i am self loathing.. i am confused. really? it goes that far back? hmm..
middle school? i am the same as in elementary school, only, i found someone to follow. even then, i wasn't jennifer... i was so and so's friend.
high school? i am searching. so much drama, there. but, i still didn't know who i was. i was still boo's cousin, rebecca's little sister, hiding in the small crowd of other confused "freaks" like me..
college... still the same. trying to fit in. the party girl. confused. hating myself.
i am 31 years old... and still not sure who i am... i would love to figure it out.. so, what defines me? the repetative jobs i do daily.. weekly.. monthly...? i hope not. i love my kids and husband with all of my heart. without a doubt. wouldn't change it for the world. what would i change? me. where do i start? what do i do? i can't keep going like this..
day in, day out.
i am scott's wife.
have i ever been jennifer????
i am trying to go back as far as i can in my memories. in elementary school: i am scared of not being accepted.. of failing.. i am fat.. i am self loathing.. i am confused. really? it goes that far back? hmm..
middle school? i am the same as in elementary school, only, i found someone to follow. even then, i wasn't jennifer... i was so and so's friend.
high school? i am searching. so much drama, there. but, i still didn't know who i was. i was still boo's cousin, rebecca's little sister, hiding in the small crowd of other confused "freaks" like me..
college... still the same. trying to fit in. the party girl. confused. hating myself.
i am 31 years old... and still not sure who i am... i would love to figure it out.. so, what defines me? the repetative jobs i do daily.. weekly.. monthly...? i hope not. i love my kids and husband with all of my heart. without a doubt. wouldn't change it for the world. what would i change? me. where do i start? what do i do? i can't keep going like this..
Friday, November 6, 2009
finally gave in
i finally gave in. started a blog. i will say this once, and only once. i hate capital letters. i use them sparingly. there. i said it.
i honestly don't expect anyone to read these. i don't think i will even tell anyone i'm doing this. maybe odessa, but just her. i'm just going to write. i have so many random thoughts all day long, this will give me a chance to put them somewhere, besides my head.
yesterday i watched the news for hours, my heart breaking for the injured and the lives lost in fort hood. for some reason, when something bad happens, or when something good happens, no matter where it is or who it happens to... i feel it. not just "aw, that sucks"... my heart beat quickens, i fight tears, i worry about the families, i worry about the victims... and i pray for them. so yes, yesterday was a tough day. i'm not saying this as "i'm such an awesome person".. i'm saying this to lead to the next paragraph.
i believe in spiritual gifts. some teachers, some preachers, etc, etc.. i've always been confused as to what my gift is. i've been told before that i am a "prayer warrior".. i tend to forget that, to wonder what am i here for, until something happens to remind me of this. is this even a gift? am i making a difference? i guess it depends on your religious (i hate using that term) views. can prayer make a difference? i believe it can. i think, even if you don't believe in.. prayer.. if you are one of those karma/positive thoughts people... then it would work that way, too. the term blogging should be changed to rambling. because that's what it is. that was a tangent. it happens sometimes when i'm not paying attention.
here's the thought that i've been going back and forth with since last night. it seems that "the church" (term used loosely) likes to pick a bible verse and build a religion around it. instead of taking the bible as a whole. from start to finish. and they focus on the things that really don't matter. they find a verse, decide that it must mean "this" then set it in stone. what if it didn't mean "this"? what if it meant "that"? how long will the church be wrong about something they persecute and die for? how many people have they mislead in these teachings? i don't know.. i'm just sayin....
i honestly don't expect anyone to read these. i don't think i will even tell anyone i'm doing this. maybe odessa, but just her. i'm just going to write. i have so many random thoughts all day long, this will give me a chance to put them somewhere, besides my head.
yesterday i watched the news for hours, my heart breaking for the injured and the lives lost in fort hood. for some reason, when something bad happens, or when something good happens, no matter where it is or who it happens to... i feel it. not just "aw, that sucks"... my heart beat quickens, i fight tears, i worry about the families, i worry about the victims... and i pray for them. so yes, yesterday was a tough day. i'm not saying this as "i'm such an awesome person".. i'm saying this to lead to the next paragraph.
i believe in spiritual gifts. some teachers, some preachers, etc, etc.. i've always been confused as to what my gift is. i've been told before that i am a "prayer warrior".. i tend to forget that, to wonder what am i here for, until something happens to remind me of this. is this even a gift? am i making a difference? i guess it depends on your religious (i hate using that term) views. can prayer make a difference? i believe it can. i think, even if you don't believe in.. prayer.. if you are one of those karma/positive thoughts people... then it would work that way, too. the term blogging should be changed to rambling. because that's what it is. that was a tangent. it happens sometimes when i'm not paying attention.
here's the thought that i've been going back and forth with since last night. it seems that "the church" (term used loosely) likes to pick a bible verse and build a religion around it. instead of taking the bible as a whole. from start to finish. and they focus on the things that really don't matter. they find a verse, decide that it must mean "this" then set it in stone. what if it didn't mean "this"? what if it meant "that"? how long will the church be wrong about something they persecute and die for? how many people have they mislead in these teachings? i don't know.. i'm just sayin....
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