j-j-j-j-jaded...

aerosmith had it right...
i don't think that a church leader purposely sets out to lead his "flock" off a cliff... if i did, then i would never trust a preacher again. so, let's pretend that they don't start of with cruel intent. granted, "all have sinned and fall short..".. pastors are human, too, i get that. but: if you can't stand the heat, get out of the pulpit. scripture says that church leaders have a higher standard (for lack of better words) to live up to.. so what is going on?? let's assume they start off humble.. with good intentions... what is it that makes them slip up? sin? power? denial? how do they get from here to there? from preaching against sin to sleeping with prostitutes? to having affairs with young boys in the youth group? pornography? stealing from the government?

and what does that say to the world? no wonder. tell someone you are a christian. big whoop, they say. i know atheists who treat others better than some of these men.. no wonder people aren't interested in becoming a christian anymore. would you??

and what about the church members left behind? do they really just find another church home? how many times do you think it will take to get them to give up completely? to become jaded like me? and why would i want to bring my kids up in the same mess? but then, i will get judged for not keeping a pew warm on sunday mornings. how do you teach a child the love of Christ? what did He say to do??? help the orphans.. the widows... feed the hungry.. help the needy. we've lost focus.. it's not about how many members we have.. it's not about who is tithing and who isn't.. pointing them out.. sermons are no longer about the Good News.. it's name it and claim it! speak it into existence! debt free in 2003! seriously?? how to get more cars and houses than we really need... where you treasure is, there your heart will be also, if i recall correctly...
so.. where do we go from here?

Ephesians 4:8-10

"Therefore it says, 'WHEN HE ASCENDED ON HIGH, HE LED CAPTIVE A HOST OF CAPTIVES, AND HE GAVE GIFTS TO MEN.' (Now this expression, 'He ascended,' what does it mean except that He also had descended into the lower parts of the earth? He who descended is Himself also He who ascended far above all the heavens, so that He might fill all things.)" NASB

this is just one of many verses that i am struggling with the meaning. when i ask a preacher, deacon, the internet, etc. what it means, it says that when Christ died on the cross, he went down to "paradise" and emptied it and brought them to heaven with Him.
that's the jist of it...

the gifts are obviously the gifts of the spirit. but i don't understand how we get from point a to point b.

in order for Christ to fulfil the law, He had to die. Which would be the descended. to the grave. after a few "sightings" he ascended... He paved the way into heaven, but i don't get that He brought the dead saints with Him. but that's just me...

so it't tough to shed what we have been told that scripture means.. it causes a bias when we read.. i want to be able to read the scripture with a fresh mind. that's what i'm praying for...

what defines me

i often get the feeling of being lost. not literally, where am i.. but who am i? right now, i am mom. i am diapers. i am baths. i am laundry. i am dirty dishes. i am a nurse, a cook, a maid...
day in, day out.
i am scott's wife.
have i ever been jennifer????
i am trying to go back as far as i can in my memories. in elementary school: i am scared of not being accepted.. of failing.. i am fat.. i am self loathing.. i am confused. really? it goes that far back? hmm..
middle school? i am the same as in elementary school, only, i found someone to follow. even then, i wasn't jennifer... i was so and so's friend.
high school? i am searching. so much drama, there. but, i still didn't know who i was. i was still boo's cousin, rebecca's little sister, hiding in the small crowd of other confused "freaks" like me..
college... still the same. trying to fit in. the party girl. confused. hating myself.
i am 31 years old... and still not sure who i am... i would love to figure it out.. so, what defines me? the repetative jobs i do daily.. weekly.. monthly...? i hope not. i love my kids and husband with all of my heart. without a doubt. wouldn't change it for the world. what would i change? me. where do i start? what do i do? i can't keep going like this..

finally gave in

i finally gave in. started a blog. i will say this once, and only once. i hate capital letters. i use them sparingly. there. i said it.
i honestly don't expect anyone to read these. i don't think i will even tell anyone i'm doing this. maybe odessa, but just her. i'm just going to write. i have so many random thoughts all day long, this will give me a chance to put them somewhere, besides my head.
yesterday i watched the news for hours, my heart breaking for the injured and the lives lost in fort hood. for some reason, when something bad happens, or when something good happens, no matter where it is or who it happens to... i feel it. not just "aw, that sucks"... my heart beat quickens, i fight tears, i worry about the families, i worry about the victims... and i pray for them. so yes, yesterday was a tough day. i'm not saying this as "i'm such an awesome person".. i'm saying this to lead to the next paragraph.
i believe in spiritual gifts. some teachers, some preachers, etc, etc.. i've always been confused as to what my gift is. i've been told before that i am a "prayer warrior".. i tend to forget that, to wonder what am i here for, until something happens to remind me of this. is this even a gift? am i making a difference? i guess it depends on your religious (i hate using that term) views. can prayer make a difference? i believe it can. i think, even if you don't believe in.. prayer.. if you are one of those karma/positive thoughts people... then it would work that way, too. the term blogging should be changed to rambling. because that's what it is. that was a tangent. it happens sometimes when i'm not paying attention.
here's the thought that i've been going back and forth with since last night. it seems that "the church" (term used loosely) likes to pick a bible verse and build a religion around it. instead of taking the bible as a whole. from start to finish. and they focus on the things that really don't matter. they find a verse, decide that it must mean "this" then set it in stone. what if it didn't mean "this"? what if it meant "that"? how long will the church be wrong about something they persecute and die for? how many people have they mislead in these teachings? i don't know.. i'm just sayin....