Sunday, November 8, 2009

what defines me

i often get the feeling of being lost. not literally, where am i.. but who am i? right now, i am mom. i am diapers. i am baths. i am laundry. i am dirty dishes. i am a nurse, a cook, a maid...
day in, day out.
i am scott's wife.
have i ever been jennifer????
i am trying to go back as far as i can in my memories. in elementary school: i am scared of not being accepted.. of failing.. i am fat.. i am self loathing.. i am confused. really? it goes that far back? hmm..
middle school? i am the same as in elementary school, only, i found someone to follow. even then, i wasn't jennifer... i was so and so's friend.
high school? i am searching. so much drama, there. but, i still didn't know who i was. i was still boo's cousin, rebecca's little sister, hiding in the small crowd of other confused "freaks" like me..
college... still the same. trying to fit in. the party girl. confused. hating myself.
i am 31 years old... and still not sure who i am... i would love to figure it out.. so, what defines me? the repetative jobs i do daily.. weekly.. monthly...? i hope not. i love my kids and husband with all of my heart. without a doubt. wouldn't change it for the world. what would i change? me. where do i start? what do i do? i can't keep going like this..

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