"Holy Crap, y'all, I'm a Mom..." Previously titled: "...Noah Gray..."

Apparently, in April of 2011, I had the misguided notion that I could have 4 kids, blog, and adult at the same time. I think I originally was attempting to announce the birth of kid #4 in this one. and then, life. I also attempted a few times to log in and write, but I forgot my password and just gave up. For 5 YEARS, y'all. Because, life. I finally did the song and dance to change my password, and here I am. I read through old blogs and apparently, I am weird. For a lot longer than I originally thought. but that's ok. SO much has happened in the past 5 years. "So many". I started working, found a church, moved, and my sister died. Those are just the "highlights". I have a feeling that if i don't forget my password again I will be writing about a few of these things pretty soon. Or it may be like the yoga thing and "this too, shall pass". Because that was not fun. All those poses and stretching and possible sweating. No thank you.

"...this is me... in a nutshell.....'help! i'm in a nutshell!!!'..."

...today i had a friend visit me for a few minutes... like me, she's a stay at home mother of 3... and like me, her world revolves around her kids... unlike me, she's decided to go back to college. i am sooooo proud of her... while she was here, i asked her how school was going... she started telling me about an english paper she was supposed to write, and she could barely hold back the tears. the paper was supposed to be about herself... if she met someone new, and introduced herself, and described her likes, dislikes, favorite things, etc.... she said she ended up in her truck, in tears, having a mini-panic attack.........
i knew EXACTLY how she felt!!! i would have reacted the same, if not worse!!! ...if you are a stay at home mom, you will nod your head in agreement and think, "i know!!! ...I KNOW!!!!!...THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!"
why?!? because we have no clue what our favorite things are anymore!!! hobbies? free time? what is that?!?! favorite color? favorite tv show? are you kidding me?!?! and ADULT CONVERSATIONS?!? i struggle on the phone now, trying to find the right words to use besides "potty" or "night-night"...
so.... the whole point of this is... when she was telling me the story, of her reaction, and how stressful it was... i knew how she felt... and i also thought, how brave she is for stepping out of her nutshell... :)

A Simple Kind of Life

"she wears me out!" no really... there are ALOT of people i know, and even don't know, that seriously wear me out, just by watching them or being around them. they constantly have to be moving around, doing something, going somewhere, cleaning something, saying something, being around people, telling people what to do, building something, tearing down something, watching something, reading something, writing something, buying something, selling something.... get what i'm sayin?
i am so glad i'm not one of these people. i can sit. quietly. i may wonder about what i'm gonna do later, or what i need to do, or what's for dinner... but the thought passes and i'm back to here... i can sit and read for hours at a time, and i can sit and do nothing, if i want to. granted, it's rare with my 3 kiddos, but that's not the point. i love staying home, i love those rare moments alone to just... sit. doing things, having a full planner doesn't make me feel important. talking on the phone doesn't make me feel better about myself. i can go hours without talking, if the opportunity arises...
i love my simple life... though it looks boring from the outside, i couldn't ask for more... well, besides a trip to Hawaii... to do nothing there, too.......

...when in Rome...

so, i'm reading this book, Beyond Opinion by Ravi Zacharias. it's a christian apologetics book, and it addresses all of the opposing worldviews that are against christianity.. ok... i guess i could have just called it a christian apologetics book and left it at that... anyway, if you don't want to think about things, don't read it. ... just sayin...

so, i thought about things...

we want our cake, and we want to eat it too.. we tend to want God to intervene on the bad things in our lives... why doesn't He stop the evil? why does He let bad things happen? if He would just do something about it!! and then... at the same time... we DON'T want Him to control our lives. we don't want to be puppets!! we want to be able to make our own choices.. to have a "free will" to choose... He probably thinks we are one crayola short... missin a few nuts and bolts.. we pray, "Dear Lord, please give me money... please give me a new car... please don't let me keep screwing things up... " but at the same time, we don't want Him to force His will on us..  am i making sense?

"there is none good, no not one"... we think, i'm basically "good".. i feed my kids (most of the time), i'm honest (most of the time) i don't hate my neighbor (most of the time)... but, how do we know what "good" is? what is our comparison point? yeah, most of us are "good" compared to the nut job across the street who abuses his family, or steals, or cheats... but this isn't our measuring stick.. how do we know what "good" is? God is good. Jesus told us that... so, if we hold our "goodness" up to His "goodness"... how does it compare? i know, right? God's "goodness" is perfect, unable to sin, Holy, Holy, Holy... so then, if we look at it that way, compared to Him... we may not make the cut... we may get voted off the island... thank God, for changing the requirements... because if it were up to me, and my choices, and my natural ability to screw everything up... i would be saying ... "no stairway!! denied!!!"...

...ninja assassin...not just a clever name...

so, halfway through the movie, i look at scott and say, "ohhh.... the guy kills ninja's.... i thought he was just a really good assassin...."

i gave up on the exercise/yoga thing for now... my kids won't allow it.. i know, right? but i thought it was a good enough excuse to get by...

i have been reading these amazing books on reformed theology, christian apologetics, predestination, calvinism, preterism... yes, i've been busy... i guess my above excuse as to why i don't have time to exercise just lost it's mojo...

i started getting interested in apologetics on accident. less than 2 years ago, i picked up Lee Strobel's book, A Case For Christ, and i've been hooked on the subject ever since. a few months ago, a friend introduced me to the rest of the above mentioned topics.. while i have been really enjoying learning about it, at the same time, i 'm kinda pissed off that i never heard about it before... better late than never, i guess...

so now i'm trying to find apologetics books for my kids. i didn't even know what an athiest was until high school, but times have changed. they have already realized that not everyone believes the same as they do, and i want them to be able to at all times, give reason as to why they believe and trust in God. maybe it will make their faith stronger.. i just want them to know that they know that they know, you know? ...heh...

doggog style

learned my first lesson today on concentrating... from my 2 year old. i'm trying to teach my brain how to focus on one thing at a time.. my thoughts are so random and everywhere, this is very hard for me to do. so, let me give you an example. folding clothes. i'm focusing on the task at hand. sounds easy? here's my thought process: folding the towel... folding the.. hey, what's that beeping? oh yeah.. clothes.... folding the shirts... folding the... walmart... i need to make a walmart list.. oh yeah... folding clothes. ok, so ... you get the picture.
so this is how the lesson learned went:
me: zoe, you want a hot dog?
zoe: doggog!!!
me: ok, let me fix it for you...
zoe: doggog!! doggog!!!!!!!!
me: i'm getting it, hang on!
zoe: doooooooggoooooooog!! doggog.. doggog.... DOGGOG!!!!
me: argh....
yep. my 2 year old taught me my lesson of the day... how to focus.. doggog style....

Pudding

yes, it's been a while since i last... blogged... my mind has been literally going a mile a minute.. don't you just love those little phrases we use, even if they don't make sense? anyway, i started noticing how my thoughts work.. i can wear myself out sometimes... and i decided, i need to do something about it.. i also want to be healthier and start exercising.. learn how to be a little more (ok... alot more) focused... so, i did what i do best... i googled.. and started finding some stuff on yoga.... i know, right? my first thoughts? buddist/monks/hinduism/hippies... yogi bear... third eye blind... yeah, i know... but as i was reading on the different forms, i saw that it doesn't always go with other religions.. it can just be about becoming healthier, bendy (ha!), centered, peaceful, calm, focused... you get the point. so i started asking around, i have friends in every.. let's say, "walk of life"... a good friend of mine put it this way.. it can help you grow closer to God... i get that.. if you learn to block out all the drama in your life, learn to focus... sit still.. and listen... maybe the whisper won't be so faint? i'm just saying, isn't it worth a try? for me it is.. so, i am on a mission to learn a little more about it, start the stretching and posing and whatnot... and yes, meditation. don't laugh. i don't mean that kind of meditation.. just ... trying to find some balance. nothing else has worked so far, so, why not? i know to be careful... i know where the line in the sand is... i'm going to learn how to... just.. breathe.....